Helping anxious children think clearly when their peers hold strong political views

Some people in the West describe Hamas as a resistance movement fighting oppression. Hamas has deliberately attacked civilians and taken hostages. Its ideology sits uneasily with many of the values professed by people who defend it.

How do people end up defending a political movement whose beliefs and actions they would reject in their own society?

Once we identify with a particular cause, questioning it gets harder, especially when our friends share the same views. Nobody wants to be the person who asks an awkward question and gets treated like an idiot for it!

Young people hear strong political opinions everywhere. Social media, school, university and their friendship groups. They can feel pressure to pick a side before they've had much chance to work out what they think.

For an anxious teenager, there's an added problem. They're already worrying about getting things wrong. Now they have to worry about what their friends will think if they disagree.

The appeal of certainty

Anxious children often want to know what's going to happen and whether they're making the right decision. When they don't know, they worry about getting it wrong and what might happen next.

Political issues rarely come with clear answers. A confident narrative makes things easier. It explains who's to blame, who's in the right and which side you're supposed to support. And if all your friends agree, you don't have to worry about being the odd one out!

A teenager who questions the accepted view risks being called ignorant or accused of supporting the wrong side. If they're worried about losing friends, repeating what everyone else says is way easier than admitting they haven't worked it out for themselves.

And how many teenagers are keen to announce to their mates that they don't know what they're talking about?

We can help our children get more comfortable with uncertainty. They need practice thinking through difficult questions, especially when everyone around them seems to have the answers.

When your child's friends are convinced

Imagine your teenager comes home from school or university telling you that Hamas are freedom fighters!

They've seen images of Palestinian civilians suffering. They've heard arguments about oppression and resistance. Somewhere along the way, supporting Palestinians has become synonymous with supporting Hamas.

But how much do they know about Hamas itself? Have they looked at its ideology, its treatment of dissent or its views on women's rights? Or have they picked up the arguments circulating among their friends and accepted them without much thought?

When a political opinion becomes part of belonging to a group, questioning it feels like betraying your mates. People scrutinise their opponents while finding excuses for behaviour from their own side that they would condemn in anyone else!

Children and adults need to apply the same standards to everyone. We can care about Palestinian and Israeli civilians while questioning Hamas's actions and ideology. One doesn't require us to suspend our judgement about the other.

Ask questions before arguing back

When your teenager comes out with a political argument you disagree with, your first instinct might be to correct them. Sometimes they do need correcting. But it's easy to end up in an argument where you try to prove them wrong, they dig in, and nobody changes their mind.

I'd try asking questions instead.

• What do you mean by that?

• How do you know it's true?

• Have you looked at what the organisation says about itself?

• Would you apply the same standard to a group you disagree with?

• What evidence would change your mind?

These questions make children think about what they're saying. They also give them something to try when their friends come out with strong opinions. They don't need a perfectly prepared counterargument for every claim. They can ask a question and see what happens.

Sometimes a question exposes a contradiction.

Someone might argue that women should be free to make their own choices while defending a movement that restricts women's freedoms. They might champion freedom of expression while excusing a group's suppression of dissent.

Funny how the principles sometimes change depending on whose side you're on!

Psychologists call the discomfort people experience when their beliefs clash with their values cognitive dissonance. Faced with a contradiction, someone might reconsider their position. They might find a way to justify it. Or they might decide they don't want to discuss it any further.

Questions won't necessarily change anyone's mind. Some people become defensive or aggressive when challenged. Others refuse to engage.

The point is to help your child examine an argument and decide what they think. They don't have to win every disagreement, and they certainly don't have to keep arguing with someone who has no interest in a discussion.

Practise at home

Anxious children worry about losing friends or being rejected. Telling them to stand up for what they believe in is easy enough. Doing it when you're a teenager who wants to fit in is another matter!

Try practising a few responses at home.

“I haven't read enough to have an opinion on that.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I agree that civilians are suffering. I'm still working out what I think about your conclusion.”

“Why does supporting this cause mean I have to support that organisation?”

These give children time to think. They can acknowledge suffering without agreeing with every argument made in its name. They can admit they haven't read enough to know what they think.

For an anxious child, saying “I don't know yet” can feel uncomfortable. Practising at home makes it easier to say when their friends expect an immediate answer.

And if a conversation turns hostile, they can leave. They don't have to defend their position until everyone agrees with them.

Look at your own views

We parents have our own political views and blind spots. Our children notice the standards we apply to people and causes we support, and the excuses we make when those people get things wrong.

If we expect our children to examine other people's arguments, we need to be prepared to examine our own. That means admitting when we don't know something, checking the evidence and changing our minds when our reasoning doesn't hold up.

It's easy to tell children to think for themselves. It's harder when they start questioning us!