Raising Children Who Are Open to the World, But Not Naïve

One of the more difficult parts of parenting is teaching children how to make sense of other people.

Most parents want their children to grow up kind, curious and open-minded. We want them to make friends with people from different backgrounds. We want them to travel, explore, ask questions and remain willing to change their minds.

I think those are important qualities.

At the same time, I don't think it helps children if we imply that everyone is safe or that everyone deserves their trust.

They don't.

This creates an uncomfortable tension for parents.

How do we encourage openness without raising children who are naïve?

How do we teach caution without encouraging prejudice?

I think the answer lies in what we ask children to pay attention to.

There is a difference between prejudice and discernment

Prejudice asks children to make assumptions about people before they know them.

Discernment asks children to observe.

Those are very different skills.

I don't want children deciding that someone is trustworthy because they look friendly, dress well, share the same beliefs or belong to the same group.

Equally, I don't want them assuming someone is dangerous because they look different, speak differently or come from somewhere unfamiliar.

Those are shortcuts.

Sometimes they happen to be right.

Often they are not.

Behaviour tells us more than appearances

Working in child and forensic psychiatry has reinforced something that I think is true for all of us.

Appearances are remarkably unreliable.

Some dangerous people are charming.

Some manipulative people are generous when other people are watching.

Some genuinely kind people make awkward first impressions.

Children benefit from learning to notice behaviour rather than labels.

Does this person respect your boundaries?

Do they keep their promises?

Can they admit when they're wrong?

Do they pressure you to do things you don't want to do?

Do you generally feel safe around them?

These questions tell us much more than appearances ever will.

Awareness is not fear

Sometimes parents worry that teaching children to be cautious will make them anxious.

I don't think that's necessarily true.

There is a difference between living in fear and developing good judgement.

Children can learn to trust their instincts without becoming suspicious of everyone they meet.

They can learn to recognise unhealthy behaviour without assuming the worst about people.

In fact, I think these skills often make children feel more confident because they know they have ways of assessing situations for themselves.

The goal isn't suspicion

I don't think the goal is to raise children who see danger everywhere.

Nor do I think it's to raise children who believe everyone has good intentions.

Perhaps the goal is something quieter than that.

To raise children who remain curious about the world.

Who judge people by their actions rather than their stereotypes.

Who are open enough to form meaningful relationships, yet discerning enough to recognise when something doesn't feel right.

That seems to me a much better preparation for adulthood than either blind trust or blanket suspicion.