There are moments in parenting—especially if you’re raising an anxious, sensitive, or neurodivergent child—when it feels like all your efforts are bouncing off a brick wall. You reach out. You soften your voice. You try all the things. And still, your child stares through you like a barista who's already called your name three times.
They’re unreachable.
It’s like trying to hug a cactus that’s been set on fire.
Naturally, you start to wonder:
Am I doing something wrong?
Have I broken them?
Have they broken me?
You’re not broken. Neither are they. You’re just in the thick of it. And this—this disconnection—is part of the terrain.
What Disconnection Feels Like (and Why It Hurts So Much)
Disconnection in parenting is not just frustrating—it’s deeply disorienting. We’re wired to seek emotional resonance, especially with our children. When that resonance is missing, it can feel like failure. But here’s the truth: children aren’t always able to meet us halfway. Especially when they’re flooded, shut down, or stuck in defensive survival mode.
Disconnection doesn’t mean they don’t care. It often means they care so much, their nervous systems can’t keep up.
So what do we do?
We Stay. We Witness. We Wait.
You don’t have to solve the problem. You don’t have to say the perfect thing. You just have to hold space—calm, consistent, boring old presence.
It might feel like nothing’s happening. But presence isn’t passive. It’s active faith. It’s communicating, “I’m here. I see you. I’m not going anywhere.”
When our children finally come out of the fog, they remember who stayed close without demanding performance.
A Word About Control
When disconnection feels unbearable, many parents instinctively reach for control. We lecture. We threaten consequences. We go full TED Talk at the kitchen bench. But control is a short-term fix that erodes long-term trust. It teaches our kids that connection is conditional—that we’ll only be present if they behave “right.”
We can do better. We can be the steady heartbeat they return to when their world goes haywire.
But What If It Never Gets Better?
It might not get better in the way you imagined. You may never get the heartfelt thank-you or Hollywood-style reconciliation scene. But that doesn’t mean your presence isn’t shaping something profound.
Our children don’t need us to be flawless—they need us to be faithful.
TL;DR:
When parenting feels futile, presence is still power. Connection isn’t built in the breakthroughs—it’s built in the waiting.
Shareable quote:
“Presence doesn’t always feel like progress. But it’s what our children return to when they can’t reach us any other way.” — Dr Davin Tan
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