Are you tired of yelling at your kids, bribing them with candy, or threatening them with timeouts? Do you wish there was a better way to parent that doesn’t make you feel like a dictator or a doormat? Well, you’re in luck, because I have the perfect solution for you: empathic discipline!
Empathic discipline is a fancy term for a simple idea: treat your kids like human beings, not like robots or animals. Empathic discipline means that you pay attention to your kids’ feelings and needs, and help them learn how to deal with the world around them. Empathic discipline doesn’t mean that you let your kids do whatever they want, or that you never say no to them. It means that you say no with love, not with anger or fear.
How do you do that, you ask? Well, it’s easy. All you need to do is ask yourself two questions whenever you face a parenting challenge:
- What are the pressures/demands/expectations in the environment?
- What are the skills they need to develop to meet environmental demands?
Let me give you some examples.
Say your kid wants to watch TV all day, and you want them to do their homework. The pressure in the environment is the school, which expects your kid to complete their assignments and get good grades. The skill they need to develop is self-discipline, which means doing what they have to do, even if they don’t feel like it.
Now, you could just yell at your kid and force them to turn off the TV and do their homework. But that would only make them resent you and hate school. Or you could just let them watch TV and hope they’ll do their homework later. But that would only make them lazy and irresponsible.
Instead, you could use empathic discipline. You could say something like this:
“Hey, I know you love watching TV, and I don’t blame you. TV is fun and relaxing. But you also have homework to do, and that’s important too. Homework helps you learn new things and prepare for the future. I know it’s hard to switch from TV to homework, but you can do it. You have the skill of self-discipline, which means you can control your impulses and do what you need to do. How about we make a deal? You can watch TV for another 15 minutes, and then you’ll turn it off and do your homework. And when you finish your homework, you can watch TV again. Does that sound fair?”
See how that works? You acknowledge your kid’s feelings and needs, and you explain the environmental pressure and the skill they need to develop. You also offer a compromise and a reward. You don’t yell or bribe, you don’t threaten or beg. You use empathic discipline.
Here’s another example.
Say your kid wants to play soccer with their friends, and you want them to practice piano. The pressure in the environment is the music teacher, who expects your kid to practice regularly and improve their skills. The skill they need to develop is perseverance, which means sticking with something even if it’s hard or boring.
Now, you could just nag your kid and make them practice piano. But that would only make them hate music and lose their motivation. Or you could just let them play soccer and forget about piano. But that would only make them miss out on a valuable opportunity to learn and grow.
Instead, you could use empathic discipline. You could say something like this:
“Hey, I know you love playing soccer with your friends, and I’m happy for you. Soccer is fun and healthy. But you also have piano to practice, and that’s important too. Piano helps you express yourself and develop your talents. I know it’s hard to practice piano when you’d rather play soccer, but you can do it. You have the skill of perseverance, which means you can keep going even if something is challenging or tedious. How about we make a plan? You can play soccer for another hour, and then you’ll come home and practice piano for 30 minutes. And when you finish practicing piano, you can have a snack and relax. Does that sound good?”
See how that works? You acknowledge your kid’s feelings and needs, and you explain the environmental pressure and the skill they need to develop. You also offer a plan and a reward. You don’t nag or guilt, you don’t ignore or give up. You use empathic discipline.
Empathic discipline is the best way to parent your kids, because it helps them grow into happy, successful, and resilient adults. Empathic discipline is not easy, but it’s worth it. Empathic discipline is not a magic formula, but it’s a powerful tool. Empathic discipline is not a one-size-fits-all solution, but it’s a flexible framework.
So, next time you face a parenting dilemma, remember to ask yourself these two questions:
- What are the pressures/demands/expectations in the environment?
- What are the skills they need to develop to meet environmental demands?
And then use empathic discipline to balance challenge and support for your kids. You’ll be amazed by the results.
Happy parenting!
