Helping Hard-to-Engage Kids Talk About Anxiety

anxiety tips Sep 12, 2024

Helping Hard-to-Engage Kids Talk About Anxiety (and Why the Right Question Might Surprise You)

Anxiety among children has nearly doubled in recent years. According to a recent meta-analysis, around 20.5% of youth worldwide now experience anxiety symptoms. That’s roughly 1 in 5 kids.

Many of these children are hard to reach—not because they don’t want help, but because they don’t yet know how to talk about what’s going on inside.

So how do we support kids who shut down, resist, or retreat into silence?

Let me share a story that illustrates what’s possible when we lead with empathy and curiosity—even if it means taking a bit of a risk.

The Unexpected Question That Changed Everything

I was working with a 15-year-old who played video games for 7 hours a day and put in just 2 hours of schoolwork. He didn’t want to be there. He said it plainly.

But instead of confronting him about school, I surprised him.
I asked:
👉 “Why aren’t you playing more video games?”

Yes, you read that right.

That question disarmed him. He looked up. He smiled. He engaged.

Why did I ask it? Honestly, I took a chance—based on what I sensed he really wanted: connection. He wasn’t being oppositional. He was testing the water. I leaned into that moment with empathy. And it worked.

Later, I gently asked, “Is there a part of you that thinks schoolwork might matter—even just a little?”
And we had an actual conversation.

Sometimes the right question isn’t about information—it’s about building trust.

Why Kids Resist—and How to Reach Them

Anxious kids often resist engagement not because they don’t care—but because they’re overwhelmed, unsure how to communicate, or afraid of being misunderstood.

Here are 7 research-backed strategies to help hard-to-engage children open up and feel supported:

1. Understand Their Triggers

Notice what situations seem to increase your child’s anxiety. Gently help them name these moments. Then, over time, support them in facing these triggers in safe, manageable ways.

2. Use Play-Based Techniques

Younger kids often express themselves better through play than conversation.

Try drawing, role-play, or storytelling
Use cooperative games to build trust and emotional literacy

3. Incorporate Sensory-Based Coping

Children with anxiety may benefit from calming sensory input:

Weighted blankets or pressure hugs
Slow, rhythmic movements like swinging or rocking
Sensory play with calming textures, scents, or music

4. Break Tasks into Small Steps

Large or vague tasks can feel overwhelming. Help by:

Breaking tasks into bite-sized actions
Using visual schedules or charts to provide structure
Celebrating small wins to build momentum

5. Create a Safe, Predictable Environment

Offer quiet, safe spaces for calming down
Keep routines consistent to reduce uncertainty
Use gentle transitions between activities

6. Use Positive Reinforcement

Praise effort, not just outcomes
Encourage brave behavior, even in small doses
Build self-esteem with consistent, supportive feedback

7. Know When to Seek Support

If your child’s anxiety is significantly affecting daily life, reach out to a child therapist or counselor. Sometimes the safest step is letting someone outside the family help carry the load.

Practical Tools for Everyday Conversations

Here are more strategies you can try at home to help your child feel safe expressing their emotions:

🗣️ Create a space for open conversation:
“It’s okay to feel scared. Want to talk about what’s going on?”

🧠 Use age-appropriate language:
For younger kids: “Do you have butterflies in your tummy?”
Use visuals like feelings charts or emoji faces.

💬 Model emotional awareness:
“I was nervous before my meeting today, but I took deep breaths and reminded myself I could handle it.”

🌿 Teach calming strategies:
Try deep breathing, stretching, guided imagery, or counting slowly to 10.

✅ Validate their feelings:
Instead of saying, “There’s nothing to worry about,” try:
“I can see this feels really hard right now. I’m here for you.”

⏳ Stick to predictable routines:
Especially at bedtime or before transitions—structure creates safety.

The Mental Health Gap Is Still Too Wide

By 2020, over 5.6 million children had been diagnosed with anxiety—but many still aren’t getting the care they need. That’s why it’s so important that we, as parents and caregivers, learn how to notice, connect, and support our children when they’re struggling.

Your empathy is powerful. And your presence matters.

Want More Guidance?

If this resonated with you, check out our self-paced audio course:

🎧 Making Sense of Anxious Children
A practical course for parents and caregivers who want to connect deeply with their anxious or neurodivergent children. Inside, you'll learn:

How to read your child’s emotional cues
What anxiety really looks like (and how to respond)
How to talk with—not at—your child during emotional storms
Tools to strengthen your bond while building your child’s resilience

👉 Learn more here: Parenting for Anxious Children

If this post helped you, please share it with other parents or caregivers who might need it.

You're not alone—and neither is your child.