Stop Saying 'Calm Down': 5 Phrases That Actually Help Your Anxious Child

I am quite sure, we have all been there. 

***crickets***

Ok. Just me?...

Your child is in the midst of an emotional storm. You know the picture: tears streaming, heart racing, completely overwhelmed by whatever; anxiety has taken hold.

In that moment of desperation, the words "calm down" slip from our lips almost automatically.

Seems logical, doesn't it? If they could just calm down, everything would be better? If only they would just...just...

Thing is. Telling an anxious child to "calm down" is not only unhelpful it can actually make things worse. And we know this. Yes, in the heat of the moment, we fall into the same trap...

Before I show you how to avoid it.

Why "Calm Down" Doesn't Work

When we tell a child to calm down, we're essentially asking them to do something they literally cannot do in that moment.

An anxious child's nervous system is in full activation mode.

Their brain has detected a threat (real or perceived) and flooded their system with stress hormones.

In this state, the rational, thinking part of their brain the part that could theoretically "calm down" is temporarily offline.

Thank you Disney. Pic grab from Zombies.

More importantly, "calm down" sends an unintentional but powerful message: your feelings are too much, inappropriate, or wrong. For a child who is already feeling overwhelmed and out of control, this can feel like rejection at the moment they need connection most.

Often, when we find ourselves saying "calm down," it's actually a reflection of our own emotional state. We're feeling overwhelmed by our child's big emotions and desperately want them to stop so we can feel better. But our children need us to be their calm in the storm, not another person telling them their feelings are a problem to be fixed.

The Power of Connection Over Correction

The goal when your child is anxious isn't to make their feelings disappear quickly.

It's to help them feel safe having their feelings whilst learning that they can cope with difficult emotions. This happens through connection, not correction. And it starts with us. We must understand this.

When children feel seen and understood in their emotional experience, their nervous system begins to regulate naturally. They learn that emotions even big, scary ones are temporary and manageable when they're not alone with them.

Here are five research-backed phrases that can transform these overwhelming moments into opportunities for connection and learning:

1. "Looks like that really got to you."

This phrase acknowledges what you're observing without judgment. It shows your child that you see their experience as valid and real. Instead of minimising their feelings, you're reflecting back what you notice, which helps them feel understood. For moments when your child seems upset but might not have the words to explain what's happening. It opens the door for them to share more if they're ready, without pressure.

Example in action: Your 7-year-old comes home from school looking deflated and withdraws to their room. Instead of "What's wrong?" or "You seem fine," try "Looks like something really got to you today."

2. "Take your time. I'm here."

This phrase removes the pressure to "get over it" quickly and offers the gift of presence. It communicates that you're not going anywhere and that there's no rush to feel better. This safety allows their nervous system to begin settling naturally. Ideal when your child is overwhelmed and needs space to process their emotions. It's particularly helpful for children who need time to find their words or who feel rushed by well-meaning attempts to "fix" their feelings.

Example in action: Your child is crying about a friendship conflict but can't seem to get the words out. Rather than pushing for details, offer: "Take your time. I'm here with you."

3. "It feels big to you, huh?"

This validates the intensity of their experience without minimising it. What might seem small to an adult can feel genuinely enormous to a child. Good for situations that might seem minor from an adult perspective but are clearly causing significant distress for your child.

Example in action: Your child is distraught about making a mistake on their homework. Instead of "It's not a big deal," try "It feels really big to you right now, doesn't it?"

4. "This is hard. Want to sit with me for a bit?"...they might not want to sit, but that's ok. The message received can be enough i.e. that you get it, and you're there with them.

This phrase combines validation ("this is hard") with an invitation for connection. The invitation aspect gives them agency they can choose connection when they're ready.

Excellent for moments when your child seems to be struggling but might be hesitant to reach out for support.

Example in action: Your child is anxious about an upcoming test and seems to be spiralling. Rather than launching into problem-solving mode, offer: "This is hard. Want to sit with me for a bit?"

5. "We'll figure this out together." [ one of my personal favourites]

This powerful phrase shifts the child from feeling alone with their problem to knowing they have support. It doesn't promise to fix everything immediately, but it assures them they won't have to face challenges alone. The word "together" is particularly important I believe. It builds connection and confidence. Sometimes you can see a weight being lifted off their shoulders.

Perfect for when your child feels overwhelmed by a problem or situation that seems too big for them to handle.

Example in action: Your child is anxious about starting at a new school. Instead of "You'll be fine" or jumping straight into solutions, try: "This feels scary, and we'll figure it out together."

The Deeper Why: Creating Safety for Feelings

Each of these phrases serves a deeper purpose than just providing comfort in the moment. They're teaching your child fundamental lessons about emotions:

• Feelings are temporary and survivable (unlike alpha zombies)

• They don't have to face difficult emotions alone

• Their emotional experience matters and is valid

• You can be trusted to stay calm when they can't

• Connection is available even in difficult moments

Making the Shift: From Reaction to Response

Changing ingrained responses takes practice and self-compassion. When you catch yourself about to say "calm down," take a breath and remind yourself: your child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time.

Start by choosing just one of these phrases to practice. Notice how your child responds differently when they feel understood rather than corrected. Pay attention to how your own stress levels change when you approach their emotions with curiosity rather than urgency to fix.

The goal isn't to eliminate your child's anxiety or difficult emotions. It's to help them learn they can handle whatever they're feeling.

Building Long-Term Emotional Resilience

If we can consistently respond to our children's big emotions with empathy and presence rather than dismissal or quick fixes, we can build their emotional intelligence and resilience. They start to learn to trust their inner experience, develop self-compassion.

IMHO these moments of connection during emotional storms become the foundation for a relationship where your child feels safe coming to you with whatever they're facing, both now and in the years to come.

Your anxious child doesn't need you to fix their feelings. They need you to be a calm, steady presence who can handle whatever they're experiencing. When you offer understanding instead of instructions, connection not correction, presence...you give them exactly what they need to learn that they're capable of weathering any emotional storm.

Ready to discover more ways to connect with your anxious child? Access our free module "Understanding Your Child's Anxiety: A Parent's Guide" where you'll learn practical strategies for supporting your child through anxious moments whilst building their emotional resilience.