How to better understand people
Many of us would have felt the irritation of being misunderstood or the pang of invalidation when we so badly want a friend or family member to hear us but they don’t or perhaps they don’t have the skills it takes to empathise accurately with us. Even worse, is when they give you unsolicited advice that is so off the mark that it makes you feel even worse.
Now, flip the situation and put your child in your shoes and imagine yourself as that friend or family member I’ve just described. Its easy to see why children stop talking to us and they give us the silent treatment, or they say “I don’t know”. You know the story!
What is the target here? What we want to do is understand what the other person is saying AND feeling. Why? because when we feel somehow has understood and heard us, we feel more settled, more secure, safe. Isn't that what we all need?
We cannot get on target if the information we are relying on is based on our assumptions,...
No matter how hard we try to censor and filter things out for them, kids are like sponges, picking up on everything we say and do even if they don't fully understand the meaning of the information they've absorbed. It's part of our job to help them make sense of that information.
In my view, the best times to impart our values is when we capitalise on so called teachable moments. It is in the act of living life that they see our values play out organically. It's all well and good to give them a didactic lecture on the merits and demerits of virtue ethics but you'll put them to sleep. Kids will learn more from watching you and seeing how you handle conflict and problems in the heat of a moment.
Make the effort to ask them questions about their thoughts and feelings about how they saw a particular situation. Ask them if they thought you ought to have acted differently. Ask them if they would have acted similarly given similar circumstances. Obviously...
The thing is, jealousy is normal and expected among siblings but mismanaging this can inadvertently pave the way to rifts and ruptured relationships. So we cant just ignore it when you suspect that's happening for your kids.
The sort of jealousy that is very important for us to be mindful of is the sort that stems from a fear of losing connection with a parent. Kids can exhibit all sorts of behaviour in protest, ranging from mild and subtle to loud and very very obvious. But the treatment is the same...it is connection. There's that word again. Connection undergirds all of our interpersonal interactions and it is empathy that glues us together. Quality and quantity time is what our kids need; this sounds like it is stating the obvious. That's because it is obvious. But it's important to state because kids deserve all the attention and connection we can spare them.
Some kids are going to be more needy than others. That's just a fact that we're...
The answer isn't as obvious as we may think.
While most of us think praising and complimenting kids is a good thing, there is such as thing as unhelpful praise.
How do we praise kids so they feel motivated but not inadvertently overinflate their ego? How do we reinforce behaviour without causing a complex where they feel like our approval is contingent on performance.
I've outlined 4 key ideas in the video
1. Be sincere and genuine
2. Connect with your kids as often as possible so your attention and approval is not contingent on only certain things that they do.
3. Don't make comparisons with other kids!
4. Refrain from complimenting them on things they can't control like their appearance or natural intelligence.
At a basic level empathy consists of 2 components; that is, an affective (feeling) and a cognitive (thinking) part.
There's a common misconception that folks with so called ASD/Autistic Spectrum Disorder cannot empathise. That's not true. It's not that they can't, its that they struggle to reconcile their understanding of thoughts with feelings in other people and also in themselves.
Life as you know is not black and white...well. Actually I take that back. Yes there is black and white but there's also all sorts of shades in between and not in between. Life is colourful. And people who have problems with social reading tend to also struggle to appreciate and perceive the shades of colour in between more primary/obvious ones. For example: anger, sadness, joy are relatively more easy to understand compared to shame, disgust, disappointment etc.
People with social reading problems also have problems with self-awareness; they almost...
I just wanted to let you know that you can get a FREE mini-training course about how you can improve your ability to connect with kids while also learning how to handle some tricky but common scenarios like the silent treatment, how do you deal with a kid who says "I Don't Know" all the time, or who doesn't want to talk to you.
Come and Check the course out now. I think it'll save you heaps of time, energy and headaches!
Running and trying to reach your goals can be like grasping at clouds, and you end up feeling exhausted, frustrate and inept. Goal posts can move away from us, and that's not always under our control as circumstances change, like shifting sand underneath us.
Having said that, it's not wrong to set goals. Just that it's more useful to set them in the context of what your intention is.
Goals are fleeting and subject to factors that aren't always under our control. Intention on the other hand IS under our control and we can choose how we direct our energy in the interest of our aims, which is driven by our intention.
Intentions are aspirations but goals provide us with tangible benchmarks to help advance us forward in the interest of our aspirations.
Intention also opens up a world of options that wouldn't be available if you single mindedly focused on just a concrete goal. It also reduces the risk of burn out and gives us flexibility to make any move we...
I wanted to share one of my favourite tips for helping kids talk about emotions (using an empathic approach). And you actually don't have to do a heap of talking yourself! Jump in and check it out now!
If you want to learn more about how to use empathic connection in your communications and improve your relationships download the FREE starter kit here. It also includes a few tips for managing the silent treatment and the dreaded "i don't knows"!
If you're struggling to find a way to think systematically about how to go about disciplining and training kids; sign up to the waitlist for our course: The Practice of Empathic Discipline (Huddle Wisdom) I want you to have the free mini-course for navigating emotional storms too. We'll send that to you when you sign up to the waitlist for the Empathic Discipline. But if you prefer, you can also just click here Toolkit to get the toolkit!
The key to being influential is connection. You need to be able to connect with someone before they will trust you. If they don't trust you, you cannot be influential. Clearly; this is a critical hurdle for any business person, teacher, parent, doctor, human being. But the connection between people is more porous than you might think.
Humans are supposed to connect but we've somehow unlearned or suppressed this; perhaps because in order to connect to another person it means we need to let our guard down. We have to open up so to speak. The implications are great...because we become vulnerable. But if our intention is to be more authentic and genuine in the world, then we have to somehow find a way to get out of our own way and start building bridges with people. Sometimes, it means getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Now; I am not saying any of this is easy, and I acknowledge the complexity of our lives and relationships but there's no way around this - in...
Kids are a gift. No doubt in my mind.
But. When they're struggling with stuff they can't figure out themselves. They express emotions that we adults feel inconvenienced by at times.
Think about the person you trust most in your life. The person you feel most drawn to. Now, would you feel comfortable expressing your pain and frustration when you're struggling? Would you feel vulnerable with them? Why not? Do they make you feel safe? Whatever it is you've got, they can handle it - is that what you picture?
Let's be that person for our kids. They need us to help them deal with stuff.
If kids could do well, they would do well. Let's give them a chance. Like our trusted person would give us a chance, unconditionally.
I'd like to share 3 of my favourite concepts that helps me to help my kids figure out tricky problems and how to go about solving them.
I hope it blesses you and helps you and your kids do well together.
Sometimes kids have a hard time talking to you about things when they need the most help. Learn to use emotional intelligence and empathic connection to gain co-operation without the friction.